What a cracker of a post! Really here for the Share-Karo-Bare-Karo-Learn-Karo sort of writing that we signed up for! I've been witnessing you consistently over the last year and while I love you for many reasons but most of all, I love you for trying to wade through the mess of our conditioning and conditions and being committed to the work, honestly and openly! I had a few uncomfortable moments with this piece and want to read it again. Won't want to offer my own thoughts on it while they're half baked! Look what you're doing to me, my little pine nut! *This* is THE WORK!
Nothing - not even feminism - should come in the way of baking such gorgeous carrot cakes😊😊❤️❤️ It is so significant that the burgers were made by your son. Bas aur kya chahiye! I think it will take us some time to overcome all those 'generations of mommies who brought up their sons to think themselves as biologically incapable of housework!!
Wanted to read your words a few times before writing to say THANK YOU! So much honestly and so straightforwardly said. I am guilty of my own hypocrisies and you're really making me think ❤️❤️
Very interesting piece. Kudos for the self reflection and getting one upped by youe daughter on your debate haha. You're raising her smart! Mad critical thinking skills. Son's burgers lookin dope too!
Feminism has never just meant standing up for human rights for women to me. By that definition I'd be a feminist too. As a guy, feminism has a lot of different connotations for me, which is why as a blanket term, I don't like feminism. Your definition is a good reminder for me that semantics is a thing and people can have vastly different ideas about a word, so I should ask what someone means by feminism or salafism or sufism or whateverism.
I really appreciate how you've communicated your complicated relationship with cooking. I can see that in the women of my life, three generations of them. It's one helluva messy relationship.
What you and your daughter (and your ATM stab) have argued make me think a lot about what I want in my marriage and what I'm looking for in a potential partner. I've always known that I will be earning bread, barring disability or something, God give us all good health and wellness. And if I'm earning enough, I want a stay at home wife. Above all, a wife that cooks food. I cannot see myself being a regular eater-outer. My current mindset is that if she doesn't cook then we'll be eating oats for dinner (I'll probably cook who am I kidding, I love food) and we're not eating out or ordering more than a few times a month. Clean simple ingredients cooked up with love at home is my goal.
And it helps to see how that can/will be triggering when having those pre-post engagement talks.
I also don't completely get what's so wrong about a patriarchy. I like the patriarchy. Ofc I'd say that as a guy, but I think I say that because I'm also not sharing the same definition when woman say "down with the patriarchy!" I will have to do some googling about this patriarchy thing. My sister is against it too like you. I'm more of a "let's reform patriarchy to Islamic morals and ethics" type of guy. Cuz I don't see why any system guided by the light of Islam can't work (unless the system inherently cannot work with Islam, like trying to mix oil and water).
Lots of interesting questions your post is making me pose. Thanks for sharing!!
Of course you don’t see what’s ‘so wrong with patriarchy’ and of course your sister is against it :) Insha Allah you will marry a lovely young woman who would also be against patriarchy - helps to understand both sides :)
As for Islam - people forget the role women played in Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) life. When I was in my early 20s and worked at a think tank, an elderly Sudanese scholar once engaged me in a thought-provoking discussion of women in Islam. In a nutshell, he said he believed women were way more free, liberal and strong during the Prophet’s time. You just need to study the women in his life to understand what kind of personalities stood by him and whom did he appreciate. Then the scholar said, something happened after the Prophet’s death - the women in his life were the sole keepers of his legacy.
Ever wonder if patriarchy took over to cover the power struggle after the Prophet left?
Oh and yes, my definition of feminism was a limited one here. I could write an entire essay on what I think of feminism as an Indian Muslim woman based in the Middle East - but that’s another essay for another time :)
Thank you so much for your thoughtful engagement - this is what one hopes for when writing about shift in patterns and generational baggage!
Man I really need to learn from scholars from different cultures. Different cultures practice different flavors of Islam and being exposed to more helps you develop a richer flavor profile in your own understanding of the deen and how to practice it.
I'm intrigued by that podcast where an American acquaintance expressed discomfort (?) with feminism. I think most people have your definition of feminism, but as a movement, there are bigger aims. I think my biggest problem with the movement is its disdain for traditional religion. But that's not the point of this post! :)
I think on some level we are all hypocrites. But kudos to you for acknowledging it. YOU ARE HUMAN!
That cakes sounds delicious! How did it turn out? Did you add raisins to it?
The podcast was hosted by a bunch of kids from my son's school. They'd invited local figures/influences and my aquaintance was a part of it. Thank you for reading, Rafia and for understanding ❤️
I did not add raisins to it! (Never heard of it either :/) I added pecans to the cake and to the garnishing. Haven't had fresh walnuts here and since I tasted fresh ones from Murree, I haven't been able to give the same respect to the ones available here :/ I wanted to try pistachio powder though :p do you like pistachios?
BTW, I get why feminism is anti-religion. Religion has been (mis)used by men everywhere for power and control (esp over women). May be we could keep separating the two :) but, it would help if more male writers pitched in as well.
I've seen some carrot cakes without raisins, but traditionally I think raisins are added. I love raisins so I'm a little disappointed when there aren't any, but I know some people hate raisins (which personally I do not understand). I like pistachios!!!
Also about feminism... You're right about religion being misappropriated to serve other ends. It goes both ways though. It's hard to find the essence of anything though, especially when we're all so influenced by a confluence of factors. I've gone through a period where I'm this or that, but as I get older, I realize that I have to learn to trust myself a bit more and not always rely on "authority" figures to tell me what's right and wrong. LOL, another tangent! Sorry.
I love this tangent and would love to read more whenever you have the space and energy for it ;) I totally get what you mean by relying on 'authorities' :D I know I've begun to pray more now that I don't depend on rigid 'learnings' I inherited from my culture.
Really really great piece. Its words and thoughts that I have not managed to pen down. The bit about cooking being cool vs servitude and have to work so dont have to cook is my own personal struggle too.
The way I have tried to bring equality is trying to force my husband to cook. Its twisted and I am still working thru thru it.
Thank you so much! Glad to know I’m not alone. I think we will keep working through it for a long time and that’s okay :) We should be good as long as the thinking, reflecting and acting part doesn’t stop ;)
Your essay is a powerful and honest reflection. I admire how you’ve addressed the nuances of gender roles and mental health with such depth and vulnerability. Your insights on therapy and parenting truly resonate—thank you for sharing this courageous piece! ❤️❤️❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Sabah our petty crimes are so similar it is uncanny! I love the pause-introspect-pause cycles here ! Zaroori hain ki ispe baat ho, behas ho .. nicely done
You've written about such a complex topic with such ease! Breaking it down point by point, dissecting, analysing, reflecting. It was a real pleasure to read it while putting my own biases into context.
Hey Samira. It didn't feel easy while writing it. I kept second guessing if it's making sense lol but I understand the discomfort and the confusion in my head now. These issues are so intertwined that it really is a struggle to pen them down point by point. I'm glad you noticed that! Thank you :)
What a cracker of a post! Really here for the Share-Karo-Bare-Karo-Learn-Karo sort of writing that we signed up for! I've been witnessing you consistently over the last year and while I love you for many reasons but most of all, I love you for trying to wade through the mess of our conditioning and conditions and being committed to the work, honestly and openly! I had a few uncomfortable moments with this piece and want to read it again. Won't want to offer my own thoughts on it while they're half baked! Look what you're doing to me, my little pine nut! *This* is THE WORK!
S.A.N.O.B.A.R ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Nailing it, as usual!!!
I've been having some or many of these thoughts stuck in my head for a while. Thank you for putting them in words ❤️
Always happy for the resonance! Thank you, Khyati!
Nothing - not even feminism - should come in the way of baking such gorgeous carrot cakes😊😊❤️❤️ It is so significant that the burgers were made by your son. Bas aur kya chahiye! I think it will take us some time to overcome all those 'generations of mommies who brought up their sons to think themselves as biologically incapable of housework!!
"Bas aur kya chahiye!" Honestly :)) thank you, Alaknanda. The cake really was so good :)
Wanted to read your words a few times before writing to say THANK YOU! So much honestly and so straightforwardly said. I am guilty of my own hypocrisies and you're really making me think ❤️❤️
Very interesting piece. Kudos for the self reflection and getting one upped by youe daughter on your debate haha. You're raising her smart! Mad critical thinking skills. Son's burgers lookin dope too!
Feminism has never just meant standing up for human rights for women to me. By that definition I'd be a feminist too. As a guy, feminism has a lot of different connotations for me, which is why as a blanket term, I don't like feminism. Your definition is a good reminder for me that semantics is a thing and people can have vastly different ideas about a word, so I should ask what someone means by feminism or salafism or sufism or whateverism.
I really appreciate how you've communicated your complicated relationship with cooking. I can see that in the women of my life, three generations of them. It's one helluva messy relationship.
What you and your daughter (and your ATM stab) have argued make me think a lot about what I want in my marriage and what I'm looking for in a potential partner. I've always known that I will be earning bread, barring disability or something, God give us all good health and wellness. And if I'm earning enough, I want a stay at home wife. Above all, a wife that cooks food. I cannot see myself being a regular eater-outer. My current mindset is that if she doesn't cook then we'll be eating oats for dinner (I'll probably cook who am I kidding, I love food) and we're not eating out or ordering more than a few times a month. Clean simple ingredients cooked up with love at home is my goal.
And it helps to see how that can/will be triggering when having those pre-post engagement talks.
I also don't completely get what's so wrong about a patriarchy. I like the patriarchy. Ofc I'd say that as a guy, but I think I say that because I'm also not sharing the same definition when woman say "down with the patriarchy!" I will have to do some googling about this patriarchy thing. My sister is against it too like you. I'm more of a "let's reform patriarchy to Islamic morals and ethics" type of guy. Cuz I don't see why any system guided by the light of Islam can't work (unless the system inherently cannot work with Islam, like trying to mix oil and water).
Lots of interesting questions your post is making me pose. Thanks for sharing!!
Of course you don’t see what’s ‘so wrong with patriarchy’ and of course your sister is against it :) Insha Allah you will marry a lovely young woman who would also be against patriarchy - helps to understand both sides :)
As for Islam - people forget the role women played in Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) life. When I was in my early 20s and worked at a think tank, an elderly Sudanese scholar once engaged me in a thought-provoking discussion of women in Islam. In a nutshell, he said he believed women were way more free, liberal and strong during the Prophet’s time. You just need to study the women in his life to understand what kind of personalities stood by him and whom did he appreciate. Then the scholar said, something happened after the Prophet’s death - the women in his life were the sole keepers of his legacy.
Ever wonder if patriarchy took over to cover the power struggle after the Prophet left?
Oh and yes, my definition of feminism was a limited one here. I could write an entire essay on what I think of feminism as an Indian Muslim woman based in the Middle East - but that’s another essay for another time :)
Thank you so much for your thoughtful engagement - this is what one hopes for when writing about shift in patterns and generational baggage!
Man I really need to learn from scholars from different cultures. Different cultures practice different flavors of Islam and being exposed to more helps you develop a richer flavor profile in your own understanding of the deen and how to practice it.
Exactly. I know many Indian Muslims mix cultural practices with faith. At least we're all speaking up about it and platforms like these help!
Would love to read that essay someday!
I'm hoping the guys would write it too :)
I'm intrigued by that podcast where an American acquaintance expressed discomfort (?) with feminism. I think most people have your definition of feminism, but as a movement, there are bigger aims. I think my biggest problem with the movement is its disdain for traditional religion. But that's not the point of this post! :)
I think on some level we are all hypocrites. But kudos to you for acknowledging it. YOU ARE HUMAN!
That cakes sounds delicious! How did it turn out? Did you add raisins to it?
The podcast was hosted by a bunch of kids from my son's school. They'd invited local figures/influences and my aquaintance was a part of it. Thank you for reading, Rafia and for understanding ❤️
I did not add raisins to it! (Never heard of it either :/) I added pecans to the cake and to the garnishing. Haven't had fresh walnuts here and since I tasted fresh ones from Murree, I haven't been able to give the same respect to the ones available here :/ I wanted to try pistachio powder though :p do you like pistachios?
BTW, I get why feminism is anti-religion. Religion has been (mis)used by men everywhere for power and control (esp over women). May be we could keep separating the two :) but, it would help if more male writers pitched in as well.
Of course! I love reading your posts.
I've seen some carrot cakes without raisins, but traditionally I think raisins are added. I love raisins so I'm a little disappointed when there aren't any, but I know some people hate raisins (which personally I do not understand). I like pistachios!!!
Also about feminism... You're right about religion being misappropriated to serve other ends. It goes both ways though. It's hard to find the essence of anything though, especially when we're all so influenced by a confluence of factors. I've gone through a period where I'm this or that, but as I get older, I realize that I have to learn to trust myself a bit more and not always rely on "authority" figures to tell me what's right and wrong. LOL, another tangent! Sorry.
I love this tangent and would love to read more whenever you have the space and energy for it ;) I totally get what you mean by relying on 'authorities' :D I know I've begun to pray more now that I don't depend on rigid 'learnings' I inherited from my culture.
An essay on raisins or feminism and religion? I could probably do both! ;) Oh man, those unlearnings! That too deserves its own essay!
Lol! I wouldn't mind both :)
Honest and reflective. Triggers a lot of thoughts around gender roles and it's complexities. Thanks for writing this Sanobar :)
Triggering for sure! Glad it resonated, Minaz. Thank you :)
Really really great piece. Its words and thoughts that I have not managed to pen down. The bit about cooking being cool vs servitude and have to work so dont have to cook is my own personal struggle too.
The way I have tried to bring equality is trying to force my husband to cook. Its twisted and I am still working thru thru it.
Thank you so much! Glad to know I’m not alone. I think we will keep working through it for a long time and that’s okay :) We should be good as long as the thinking, reflecting and acting part doesn’t stop ;)
Amazing, Sanobar Bhabhi!
Your essay is a powerful and honest reflection. I admire how you’ve addressed the nuances of gender roles and mental health with such depth and vulnerability. Your insights on therapy and parenting truly resonate—thank you for sharing this courageous piece! ❤️❤️❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Wow! Thank you, Kulsoom :)
Sabah our petty crimes are so similar it is uncanny! I love the pause-introspect-pause cycles here ! Zaroori hain ki ispe baat ho, behas ho .. nicely done
Petty crimes pr charcha hona chahiye :) Thank you, Roshni!
You've written about such a complex topic with such ease! Breaking it down point by point, dissecting, analysing, reflecting. It was a real pleasure to read it while putting my own biases into context.
Hey Samira. It didn't feel easy while writing it. I kept second guessing if it's making sense lol but I understand the discomfort and the confusion in my head now. These issues are so intertwined that it really is a struggle to pen them down point by point. I'm glad you noticed that! Thank you :)
I'm sure it wasn't easy to write! But making it easy for your reader to understand and absorb is a skill! :)
Thank you :))
A firecracker of an essay, as always. You are an inspiration💕
Excellent insight and an excellent piece of writing as usual. 🤩
Thank you, thank you :))
So well written! I hope to confront my own inconsistencies with similar grace someday :)
Thank you so much!
Sooo good! It felt like I was reading what I i have felt for a very long time! Thanks for putting this into words!
I'm glad it resonated, Harry! Thank you for the solidarity!
The lights will be bedazzling the day men happily opt to go in for therapy without expecting the women only to do the inner work.
Another brilliant piece of revelation my dear, dear Sanobar.
The carrot cake looks yum. It seems the universe is gentling nudging me to make mine, as I’ve been planning to all of winter.
Btw, I have an ultimate recipe that I’ll share with you. 😊🤍
Hugs and blessings to you and yours.🩵🩵
(Came back to scroll Substack, thanks to you, and Raju)