A Letter to My Children

Reflections on our journey so far

October made me a mother, twice. My strong-minded kids never made it easy for me, and yet at every challenging step, they taught me a lesson or two. Eventually, I gave up the pretense of being able to ‘teach’ them and decided to join them as equals in this journey of relationships, struggles, hurt, and forgiveness. Of love.

What follows is a candid letter about our shared journey that I crafted as a gift for them on their birthdays, as they turned 17 and 12 this month (MashaAllah). I guess every parent has this inherent fear of what would happen to their kids once they’re gone. I believe our words, just like our actions, will stay with them, tucking them safely and warmly in at night, no matter how old they become.

---

My dear children,

Celebrate me when I'm gone - through your small and big victories. It would make me so happy to see you move forward. We never move on from grieving our parents, but move forward we must.

If you decide to have children and I’m not around, please let them know how much I loved kids. I imagine your father and me having a little retirement home with a green backyard, a swing, and a treehouse for us and our grandkids. Of course, our cats will be with us too! Oh, how I would enjoy taking a thousand pictures with them! But you already know that, don’t you?!

Still, I would have to go someday and whenever I do, seek comfort knowing that I'd be happy to reunite with my loved ones InshaAllah. Pray for an eternal life of peace for me. Mama will be okay. Just promise me you’ll look after my old man, will you?

Don't be too harsh on yourself when you make mistakes. Making mistakes is the only way to learn in life.

Apologize unconditionally when you mess up, when you hurt someone. Mean it. Mend your ways. Reflect.

Forgive others.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive me. I'm so sorry for not being the parent you needed me to be. I just didn't know.

You have the right to not forgive me of course and I’ll never hold it against you but, if not for me, I hope you forgive me for yourself. Clinging to hurt and anger does more damage to us than it does to others. I know.

Allow yourself second chances. If you're unhappy in a job or in a relationship, move. You're not a tree, just move. I read that somewhere, and it changed my life. If you still can’t move, make plans to move. You'll eventually get there.

Remember, ‘please’, ‘sorry’, and ‘thank you’ are magical words that open doors to everything - people and opportunities. Plus, it's just nice to be nice.

Go out of your way to help others, but not at the expense of your peace.

‘No’, is yet another magical word. Use it when you want to, even with family and friends - those who appreciate your boundaries will understand, and those who can't can move on.

Happiness is an inside job. It is also momentary and quite overrated.

Love and kindness begin from within. You cannot truly love anyone until you’ve learned to love yourself - flaws and all. Genuine kindness toward others can only happen when you’ve first offered that kindness to yourself. Otherwise, it’s all people-pleasing in a twisted game of manipulation and control.

Friendship, marriage, children, and career are just extensions of yourselves, a reflection of your choices, and what YOU decide matters.

It is contentment and solitude we must aspire to. I hope you turn to yourselves out of choice, not when the world has failed you.

This life is a gift, even though it may often feel like a curse. Still, look after your mind, body, and soul. Self-care is holy. Your mental peace matters and it’s your responsibility to protect it - not your friend’s or your partner’s.

Everything you need is already within you. You don’t need anyone to tell you that - because Mama says so ;)

Hugs are the cheapest investment with the highest returns. You’re both great huggers, I hope you never grow out of it.

Enjoy your life, for yourself, and for me. Parents live through their kids long after they’re gone.

Above all, thank you. Thank you for teaching me acceptance and for making me realize that I am enough.

Your curiosity, your audacity, your innocence, your defiance, your charm and your compassion always made parenting so much more worthwhile. Patience-busting, but worthwhile nevertheless.

Both of you are creative, and by nature, creative people are often quite sensitive. You will hurt badly but, you will also rejoice at little things like life is showering you with rainbows every day. Embrace these extremes; anyone who doesn’t get your vibe just isn’t worth your time.

You grew up in an unpredictable, turbulent home, yes. But you were also given a platform to challenge authority and express your thoughts openly - and you did just that. Together, we did what no one in our families has ever done before: we let therapy enter our lives, we discussed childhood traumas and unhealthy generational patterns, and we called each other out, fighting for respect - regardless of age or gender.

I hope you won’t let pain be the only memory of us as a family. I hope all the storms you faced will remind you to believe in yourself and your bravery. I hope you will carry that learning into your adult lives, and never let anyone, anyone, bog you down or dim your spirit.

Don’t let shame and guilt consume you to the point of paralysis. You don’t nurse a wound by rubbing it; you nurse it with patience, compassion, and lots of care.

October is a month of change and new beginnings, but it’s also the month of Halloween. I believe it’s no coincidence that both of you chose to enter our lives this month. You are intelligent, funny, and tough, so learn your lessons, cut yourselves some slack, hold your chin up, and keep moving on.

Just so you know, YOU are the inspiration behind my journey of forgiveness and healing. Thank you.

YOU gave me a second chance at life. YOU made me want to sing, laugh, dance, and play.

I love the jokes we share, the funny and sarcastic ones, and the silly lame ones - especially the silly lame ones.

I am confident you will take all of this and multiply the wisdom and joy manyfold in your own characteristic, magnanimous ways. I look forward to seeing it happen someday - not that I need any more reasons to be proud of you.

Lastly, know that you're always, always loved. If you ever miss me so much that you'd want to recreate me from the dead, come to my writings. This is my forever home. You'll always find me here.

Love,

Mama

Note: This essay isn’t about pretending I’ve got motherhood all figured out. It was actually delayed a few days because I had a full-blown meltdown with my kids, and I felt like a monster for making my grown-ass kids cry, especially right around their birthdays!

Once our collective emotions subsided, I told them I’d written this letter as their birthday gift. I was surprised when they both showed interest, so I read it aloud to them. Like I said, my kids keep teaching me. I’m sharing this because I’ve always lived with guilt, feeling like an awkward sloth compared to those Pinterest and Insta-perfect moms who make it all seem effortless. The last thing I want is to add to the universal mom guilt.

BTW, I had doubts about posting this here, but I felt reassured when I saw my son’s face as he smiled and said, “You should definitely post this, it’s so well-written and inspiring.” I might have even noticed a tinge of excitement in his eyes. And with that, I’ll leave you as I wipe my eyes and take a moment.