Are you Seeta or are you Geeta?
The sheer number of masks some of us wear in a day or even in our lifetime boggles the mind. Midlife is a major pull towards self-reflection and boy am I glad to be embracing it!
My lone drive back home from work gives me ample time to reflect on my day, before I come home to the demands of mommy duties. One of these days, I was reminded of Hema Malini’s old film, ‘Seeta aur Geeta’. The movie centres around twin girls, Seeta - the shy, submissive, timid one – and, Geeta – the bold, confident and courageous one. I won’t bore you with the plot because both you and I, don’t need it.
You see, as I watched ‘Seeta aur Geeta’ as a child, I conditioned myself to believe I was the Seeta of my life. Maybe it was to please my gem of a father who harboured old fashioned values or, it was to accommodate for the boys in my life – my brothers, cousins, classmates etc. Or, was it to fit in with friends - both male and female - who found my quirkiness uncomfortable? A confident girl can be a vicious, intimidating force that the insecure can’t deal with.
Maybe it was to calm down my own vivacious mother’s nerves who was anxious that her daughter may be ‘too much’ for her future husband (I knew deep down she herself had buried the Geeta in her ages ago).
The funny thing is, no-one ever overtly told me to be a Seeta. Girls are too intuitive to be told such things - we absorb such nuances, such energies like a reflex at a very tender age. I knew intrinsically the society I lived in loved Seetas. I wanted to be loved, even if that meant betraying my inner fire, the Geeta in me. Over the years, I made room for Seeta to flourish and aced at impersonating her.
Everyone was happy with me, but me.
The thing about living someone else’s life though, is that it’s quite short-lived. You can’t pretend to be someone you’re not for long. The game gets tricky with time, especially if you have a sickness for being honest – to yourself and to others. You wake up to a sudden realisation one day that you’ve become unrecognisable to your own self. I clearly remember that stark, sinking feeling - of feeling lost.
Realising I was lying not only to myself but to those who were close to me too, I thought, “What a disservice I’d done to everyone, especially myself.”
Slowly but firmly, I started to make space for the Geeta in me. Surprisingly, everyone else adapted to her once I adapted – once I embraced her wholeheartedly.
I’ve worked against several odds to be where I am right now. It took me a long time - almost two decades of my marriage and two children (one of them a teenager) - but I’m finally feeling comfortable in my skin. I would like to take complete ownership of the transformation towards my self-growth. I love my job (even though its not lucrative), the scope of growth it provides, the learning and the genuine connections I’m making - both at work and in my personal life.
My work and my social interactions serve as a good reminder to myself of the effect I have on the people around me, and the value I bring to my job, to people’s lives. The fun part is, I’ve just begun! My energy and enthusiasm for life are beyond measure and, I’m told, contagious.
The Seeta in me feels insecure and does surface from time to time. But I’ve learned to comfort her, tell her it’s alright and we have it all under control.
Enough being scared of your own light, of your own fire – I do not owe it to anyone insecure by it. I’ve certainly arrived - shining brilliantly and loving my glow!
That nagging noise in my head that keeps pulling me back? It has to shut up.
If our paths have crossed, I wonder if you saw me as Seeta or Geeta? Also, I wonder, how do YOU show up in life; do you wear multiple masks to cope up as well?
Note: This is a modified extract from a personal essay written by me as part of Natasha Badhwar’s personal memoir writing workshop in August. I couldn’t be happier to share it with the world.