A writing workshop I joined this weekend informed its attendees that the workshop will foster and encourage Silence and Slowness at all times.
Silence and slowness go hand in hand. One slows down when one is ready to stay in silence. Hence, for me, both are impossible.
I recently purchased a beautiful book as a Ramadan gift to myself - Pause, Breathe, Be - A Kid’s 30-day guide to Peace and Presence. It encouraged parents to work on this book together with their kids. My aim was to complete the book in 30 days - perfect for Ramadan. I stopped at chapter 2.
The first chapter asks you to just pause and do nothing for a minimum of 10 minutes. Absolutely nothing. You’re not allowed to even click yourself sitting and doing nothing! I failed. I couldn’t stay silent for 5 minutes. The 4 minutes I did stay silent felt like 400 minutes!
The second chapter asks you to notice an overbearing emotion - whatever it was you felt in that moment. It then directs you to delve deeper and think about why you felt what you felt. Think about the reason behind that emotion.
Thinking deep requires you to pause and reflect. Slowness. I did what I was asked to do but it left me agitated. How many emotions do we experience in a certain day, in a week, in months, in a lifetime?! I got overwhelmed and anxious. I can’t sit and dig deep into all my emotions. It felt messy. I didn’t seem ready to tackle my mess, to clean my thoughts. And that made me feel worse. When will I be ready? When will I be able to slow down?
You know what silence does to me? Silence scares me.
But you can only tackle that loud noise in your head when you embrace silence. I’m never silent. Have you noticed how restless we’ve become?
I tell myself I keep myself busy, I’m being good and productive. When in reality, I’m running away to avoid the necessary.
If not busy doing something, I sleep. If I’m not sleeping, I’m day dreaming. And while I’m day dreaming, I’m indulging in everything otherwise forbidden to me - I dream of becoming big, I dream of freedom, I dream of being not good (I won’t say I dream of being bad. Why is the opposite of being good, ‘bad’ anyway? What is so ‘bad’ about not being good?).
Day dreaming is how I’ve survived all these years. Escapism.
But, the workshop asks me to observe silence. That book I got asks the same of me.
The closest I’ve managed to arrive at silence is by writing. You cannot write when you’re distracted. At least you can’t write well when you’re distracted. So, writing forces you to dwell with yourself in silence.
Writing teleports you into a version of yourself that hides within you, layers and layers within - an area that’s hidden in such a sinister manner away from the world that even you’ve forgotten about it. You’ve forgotten who you are.
In your silence, in your writing, you’re brought naked, face to face with your own self.
All masks are stripped in this deep, dark but silent zone. You’re uncovered. You’ve been unmasked. What do you see?
Do you like what you see?
And…This. Is. Why. I. Write.
I write because it hurts. I write because it heals. I write to honour and make space for my authentic self. I write because I matter. Because my story matters. I’ve found my solace in my writing; writing is my dopamine.
Writing is also my way of showing the middle finger to society’s double standards, to patriarchy - I write for the women before me and those after me.
I write because I forget; I’m easily distracted. Writing is my desperate effort to remember. To save and freeze memories in time.
I write for my children - the plan is to build a forever home for us in my writing. My children can always find me in my writing - long after I’m gone.
So, to all those struggling to stay silent, struggling to slow down - I urge you to pick up a journal and write your heart away. It doesn’t have to be lengthy essays, it could be simple scribbling of words, typing or posting of whatever it is you want to record in any particular time.
It is in those brief moments of solitude, that you will find yourself again. As ‘busy’ and distracted as I still am, I find myself stealing moments away from my own time, only to write.
What do you do to slow down, to stay silent, to come back to yourself?
For details about the incredibly helpful writing workshop check out: Memoir Writing Workshop by Natasha and Raju Tai
Oh! And I’ve successfully managed to reach chapter 6 of that book - definitely aiming to reach the end. To help yourself to some brave soul-searching exercise, get the gorgeous Pause, Breathe, Be: A Kid's 30-Day Guide to Peace and Presence
Cheers to silence and slowness ✨
Dear Sanobar! I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this. The deeply confessional nature of this reflection touches me as a reader and makes me feel kinder towards my own self. Not to mention the subtle humour that laces all your sentences ❤